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Employee Handbook
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an
employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing
anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a
breach of employment.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days
a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Vacation Days
All employees will take their vacation at the
same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4
& Dec. 25
Bereavment Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There
is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided
your share of the work is done enough.
Out Due to Your Own Death
This will be accepted as an excuse.
However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train
your own replacement.
Restroom Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance,
all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees
may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing
must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict three minute
time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need
to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes
for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain thee average figure. Fat people
get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a
Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying
a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore
you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should
be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Management
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